Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Gray

You see, I have not posted in two weeks. And if you asked me why I would tell you that it was for a lack of time. But really, it was frustration.

Words were not flowing, my mind was a garbled mess. I tried but I could not form a complete paragraph that made any sense. Below, in the edit box I am currently typing in, are six partially written paragraphs of a mother's thoughts so incomplete it's maddening. Write. Start over. Write. Start over. Leave. Come back. Open computer. Write. Start over...I was searching. For answers, direction, guidance. Wanting to go to others for help, not trying to provide help here. I had none to give. 

Wondering who would judge me for my tactics. If I posted one way, what would the others think? But really it's about my babies. Me. Us.

Frustration. Sleep. Why is it that so many mothers struggle with the sleep of their child. Parenting is tough. I found myself sitting not in the black or white but in the gray. What the heck is the black or white? I really felt, and often feel, that with sleep and babies there is one way or the other. (Read: sleep training or attachment parenting). But I hate it. I get mad at myself when my babies won't nap and cry about it. But then I make them spend consistent time in their crib...like it or not. Am I mean? Or am I doing the "right" thing?

I do not want to get into it. But it boils down to this. I want my babies to be happy. These past two weeks we struggled. And now, we may have a light in the end of the tunnel. He slept today. And was happy the rest. Victory.

Will I still struggle when I feel that the "right" thing to do is let him have a bit of time in his crib mad at life? Absolutely. Will I still feel that annoying feeling when he is not sleeping and refuses to no matter what? You bet. Will I rock him to try to get him to sleep? Sure, if it works.


But here we are. When he is 10, he will be sleeping and I will be wondering why the heck I was loosing sleep over all this. And the "black" and "white" will still be there. But for me. I will sit happily in the gray. Driving myself nuts.

Roll with it Janelle. Roll with it

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